What is healing?

Being home with my younger daughter.
Reading our favorite books together from when she was very small. *
Buying her new clothes for school.
Buying myself new clothes.
Giving medical supplies to Lu's doctor.
Picking our apples and pears.
Drinking red wine.
Doing laundry.
Walking in this air and light.




* Miss Rumphius, Peach And Blue, The Tiger Who Came To Tea, Red Is Best

Being Home

Talked with one of Lu's former nurses. She had heard about everything from another Mom. She had recently lost her nephew so we discussed good books about grief. Mentioned Lueza's tracheostomy supplies that were still in her bedroom and thankfully she said that they would be happy to take them all because of the medical missionary work that some of the doctors do.
Went down to 730 Welch road in Palo Alto to the clinics.
Brought my younger daughter.
Two giant bags of supplies that will end up in a very poor country.
We always had so much help.
Let the Pulmonary office know that we were there.
Much hugging. No tears.
Huge gratitude for what they did.
Don't think that I will ever get over my love for them.
I guess they're used to that.
I still need to have the "talk".
What might have happened that dawn.
How could she die so suddenly.
The day I was coming home.
Some dreadful stealthy infection.

So I'm in her room a lot.
Looking at her little polar fleece tops.
Her sweaters from last Christmas.
Tiny Uggs.

Guadalupe on the wall.
Photo of Patrick Dempsey with the computer generated fake tattoo of Lu on his arm.
The original mermaid painting by Flor Larios that I found on Etsy.

And now off to my dentist.

This life we live.

Going Home

My 3 week leave of absence from this big wonderful traveling tour begins on Monday morning. My friends will be flying and driving to Winnipeg and I will be flying home.
It will be the first time I'm home since Lueza's death and cremation and funeral.
It just hit me last night that I'm stuffed full of anxiety and sadness in addition to the overwhelming joy at being able to see my younger daughter and husband. And dogs. Two big dogs that will trample me with love.
Lueza's room is there. Her futon. Her movies. Her music.

Blessings for her life.

Burning Man

My daughter is going to Burning Man.
A friend emailed me that she would like to bring photographs of my daughter Lu to the Temple of Transition.
I have never been to Burning Man.
I have never heard of the Temple of Transition.
 I have always wanted to go ever since I first read about it after moving to California but being that it is in the heart of the Nevada desert and seems so far-out and druggy (I know nothing about the actual experience) I haven't quite figured out how to accomplish this trek.
My friend is the opposite of far-out and druggy. She's raising children and running a business. She wears high heels and lovely lady suits. When I had one of my first hot flashes at a school function she magically appeared with a popsicle.
She is a "burner".
One who goes to Burning Man.

The Temple of Transition consists of 6 towers.
This information is the result of my Googling.
Each tower is named to honor a stage of life.
Birth, Union, Growth, Death, Decay.
The center tower is Gratitude.

I am filled with enormous gratitude to my friend Jennifer.
I wish I could be there.
Next year.

Burning Man.

Her favorite moment in the movie about the little mermaid who just wanted to be a human

The reading from Dietrich Bonhoeffer

When Lueza died, the Headmaster of my former school sent this to my father and we included it in the readings at Lu's service.

"Nothing can fill the gap when we are away from those we love, and it would be wrong to try and find anything. We must simply hold out and win through. That sounds very hard at first, but at the same time, it is a great consolation, since leaving the gap unfilled preserves the bonds between us. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; he does not fill it, but keeps it empty so that our communion with another may be kept alive, even at the cost of pain."


~Dietrich Bonhoeffer 1906-1945. Lutheran pastor and member of German resistance against Hitler~

Guadalupe

Every time we went to the hospital we would bring our little icon of the Virgin of Guadalupe. I had found her in one of the California mission towns that I had visited with Lueza. I can't explain it. I am not Catholic. I am half Jewish and half Episcopalian. But I love rosaries and prayer beads. I love icons. We would bring "Guadalupe" in the hospital bag. Mommy's computer and charger, Lu's DVD's, my pillow, pajamas, book, creams and lotions, diapers, phone and Guadalupe. We would hang her from the metal pole that gave IV fluids, antibiotics and liquid feedings. It was our way of controlling this anonymous hospital space. We needed ritual of some sort. She brought her beauty and gentleness into Lueza's room.