After taking two weeks off from work I spoke with my husband and daughter and told them that I needed to let my job know what I was planning to do. They were getting by with two different understudies but would need to hire somebody to replace me if I decided to take a longer leave of absence. My 14 year old daughter was the first to answer: Go back to work Mommy. It'll be good for you. My husband continued: Go back Mommy. What are you going to do here?
There was a lot I could do there. I could be at home with my family. I could be in my sweetie's empty room and grieve and weep or whatever I was supposed to do. I could spend time with my other daughter who was about to finish 8th grade after 10 years at the same school.
I took their advice and went back to work. I had no idea what I should do. I had no idea if I could walk and talk on the stage or if I would tip over. I had terrible stage fright at certain times and didn't know if it would come back and get me.
I went back "on the road". Like a circus person.
I could work and I could be alone.
I could wander around cities.
I could light candles in churches.
I could ruminate.